Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Being True to Yourself
I had my first major spiritual experience at fourteen. They say your conscience kicks in around the age of twelve but at fourteen mine was still not bothering me.
I came from a strongly religious home with high standards. The problem was the standards were so high no human could live them. I found myself living a split life. At home around my parents I was one person and in school and around friends I was someone totally different. Leading two lives was stressful but I could handle it.
In a small way I lied and I stole things. We were poor and I never had any money to buy what I wanted. I just took things. I was smart and able to get away with it. I remember going to confirmation class at church. It was a joke because I already knew all of the bible stories by heart. They had been read to us so much that I was sick of them. That was not the case for most of the other kids in class and they were having a hard time of it. I was easily the star student and favorite.
Forget the fact that I was sitting in class munching on candy. I had stolen money from the good will box and used it to buy candy to eat during class. Like I said, my conscience had not kicked in yet.
But the stress of living two lives kept building and my spiritual training kept putting more pressure on me to change. One traumatic night I couldn't stand it any longer. It didn't matter if God forgave me or not because I couldn't stand to live with myself. My own personal standards were higher than what I was living and it was killing me.
I was not being true to myself and it led to a crisis and spiritual conversion. Perhaps this was the typical "born again" experience. All I knew was that I could not live with myself the way I was. I needed to change. I needed to feel good about myself.
That night in the darkness I prayed to God and the Cosmic to help me and guide me in all things. I vowed never to lie or steal again and I never have. Since that night thirty six years ago my conscience has been clean and I have remained trlue to myself. It is not always easy but it is the most powerful thing a person can do.
Later the Rosicrucians taught me that God or the Cosmic speaks through the heart and through the still small voice of the conscience. They called this voice the "Master Within". This was my first exposure to the concept of internal authority vs. external authority.
Anarchist World Live Join the Revolution today! Online rss community of free men and free women. Let Freedom Ring!
I came from a strongly religious home with high standards. The problem was the standards were so high no human could live them. I found myself living a split life. At home around my parents I was one person and in school and around friends I was someone totally different. Leading two lives was stressful but I could handle it.
In a small way I lied and I stole things. We were poor and I never had any money to buy what I wanted. I just took things. I was smart and able to get away with it. I remember going to confirmation class at church. It was a joke because I already knew all of the bible stories by heart. They had been read to us so much that I was sick of them. That was not the case for most of the other kids in class and they were having a hard time of it. I was easily the star student and favorite.
Forget the fact that I was sitting in class munching on candy. I had stolen money from the good will box and used it to buy candy to eat during class. Like I said, my conscience had not kicked in yet.
But the stress of living two lives kept building and my spiritual training kept putting more pressure on me to change. One traumatic night I couldn't stand it any longer. It didn't matter if God forgave me or not because I couldn't stand to live with myself. My own personal standards were higher than what I was living and it was killing me.
I was not being true to myself and it led to a crisis and spiritual conversion. Perhaps this was the typical "born again" experience. All I knew was that I could not live with myself the way I was. I needed to change. I needed to feel good about myself.
That night in the darkness I prayed to God and the Cosmic to help me and guide me in all things. I vowed never to lie or steal again and I never have. Since that night thirty six years ago my conscience has been clean and I have remained trlue to myself. It is not always easy but it is the most powerful thing a person can do.
Later the Rosicrucians taught me that God or the Cosmic speaks through the heart and through the still small voice of the conscience. They called this voice the "Master Within". This was my first exposure to the concept of internal authority vs. external authority.
Anarchist World Live Join the Revolution today! Online rss community of free men and free women. Let Freedom Ring!
Who knows why one person gives up and dies while another struggles on through overwhelming odds and comes out on top? We all want to survive. But are we willing to do what needs to be done?
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# posted by anarchistbanjo @ 2:46 PM 
